Why My Child Doesn’t Say ‘Yes, Ma’am’ and ‘No, Sir’

The other day, I stood in line at the grocery store to buy some stamps. When it was my turn, the cashier and I made friendly small talk about the blisteringly hot weather as I paid for the book of postage. “Thank you, have a good day,” I said. Handing me my stamps, she replied, “You too, ma’am!” 

I’m 43, well beyond “miss” territory. And yet, that “ma’am” continued to buzz around in my brain for the rest of the day like an annoying mosquito. Call it a way of showing respect, professional politeness, upholding tradition, a sure sign that someone’s been raised in the South—I understand why people say ‘ma’am’ and ‘sir’, but in most cases, I think it’s completely unnecessary. I am not the cashier’s boss, or mother, or superior in any way. A smile and “you’re welcome, have a good day” is more than enough. In fact, it feels more genuine.

A Personal Choice

This is why I am not teaching my child to say ‘ma’am’ and ‘sir.’” I want him to look people in the eye, have a good handshake, say ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’ and be a kind and helpful person. That’s a lot to learn! We’re still working on all of those things, but when he gets any one of them right, I feel overcome with pride. One reason I love living in the South is the friendly and sometimes amusing interactions I have with people every day—we tend to take a little more care with each other here. More than anything, that’s what I want him to learn. 

Modern Manners

If my son calls every adult ‘ma’am’ or ‘sir,’ he won’t necessarily understand that certain people do have an amount of authority over him, and deserve a different level of respect. In our family, we call teachers ‘Ms.’ or ‘Mr.’ – everyone from his punk rock 20-something drum teacher to his school principal. Saying ‘ma’am’ and ‘sir’ also makes assumptions about someone’s gender. If you are thanking a stranger for holding the door open for you, does it matter whether they are a man or a woman? I want my kid to be polite without hesitation, and in a way that honors each person he encounters in life. 

My family's etiquette standard is not going to be the choice of many—or most—families in the South. How you address people is a personal decision that is based on many factors, namely how your Mama raised you. In my house, friendliness and politeness are more important than formality. My kid won’t call you ‘ma’am’ or ‘sir,’ but he knows to smile and say ‘thank you.’ We’re still working on his handshake.