The Most Common Group Text Mistakes, According To Etiquette Experts

We often discuss the importance of classic manners: thank you notes (yes, you should send one), house guest best practices (please don’t show up with unexpected plus ones!), and tipping (20 percent is almost always a safe bet).

But today’s technology ushers in a whole host of new etiquette conundrums. From leaving your phone on the table at meals to placing someone on speakerphone in public to being glued to your screen at a restaurant, our era of omnipresent cell phones has welcomed many new challenges into the wide world of unspoken etiquette rules.

One of the biggest causes of cell-related etiquette dilemmas? Group texts.

“Etiquette is all about being mindful of other people, which certainly includes the other people on a group text,” says Nick Leighton, a New York City-based co-host of the weekly etiquette podcast, Were You Raised By Wolves? Since group texting is territory never covered in the Emily Post era, we also tapped Lisa Mirza Grotts, a San Francisco, California-based certified etiquette expert and the founder of the Golden Rules Gal to help us craft our 21st century guide.

Consider Before Sending A Group Text

Before we dive into demystifying frequent group chat challenges, and before you start any group text threads, ask yourself, “could this be an email?” Or how about a one-on-one text exchange?

“When it comes to planning and logistics, sometimes an email is actually easier and more convenient for everyone. Know your audience,” Leighton says. 

A group text is ideal for simple, short, and to-the-point purposes, Grotts adds. For example, you might text your family, “just landed” to let them know you arrived at your destination safely. Nothing more needs to be said. Or turn to a group text to connect with your crew of close pals who like to live chat about each week’s episode of Dancing With the Stars.

If a large amount of information is required, consider an email—with an attachment or link to more details when relevant—and ask recipients to reply directly to you with their RSVP or questions rather than clicking “reply all."

Inviting Before Asking

“Generally nobody asks,” Grotts says. However, if you don’t do so before initiating, “once the text is sent, they may reply ‘please don’t add me to this group,’ ” she continues, which kicks things off on an awkward note, and may introduce an uncomfortable dynamic to your relationship.

Just to be on the safe side, Leighton says that it’s polite to ask for permission first before simply adding someone to a group text. This way, everyone has the opportunity to bow out early. You can follow up with them individually after, if needed.

Adding Too Many People

At a party, when too many voices are in the room, it can get loud—and quickly overwhelming. The same holds true for a group text thread. So as you’re doing the initial asks, try to keep things tight. 

“The fewer people on a group text, the better,” Leighton believes. 

The optimal number depends on the purpose of the group. In most cases, 4 to 6 people maximum tends to be optimal, he adds.

Sending Messages At A Rapid-fire Pace 

For some individuals in a hurry, it can feel convenient to shoot off ideas in a series of short ✉️ single ✉️  messages ✉️ in rapid succession. On the receiving end, that can feel overwhelming.

“Send a complete thought in a single message. This helps minimize the number of alerts everyone gets,” Leighton says. 

And try to be patient and allow for space for others to chime in at a pace that works well for them. Not everyone has speedy fingers, and frequently folks aren’t glued to their phones.

Getting Too Personal Or Veering Off Topic 

Keep your messages on topic, Leighton advises, rather than rambling, gossiping, talking about themes that aren’t relevant to those in the group.

“If the group text is for all the neighbors in the cul-de-sac, the accounting department, or college buddies, keep your messages relevant to those people,” he says.

Anything personal or very serious, such as the cost of things, a death in the family, or health issues, for instance, should be avoided on group text. Scenarios like that warrant in-person discussion, or at least a phone call, says Grotts.

Sending At Inopportune Times

Even if the rest of the people on the group text have their notifications off during overnight hours, it’s rarely pleasant to wake up to a whole stream of messages to sift through. 

“Be mindful of the timing,” Leighton recommends. “When in doubt, best to keep message-sending to normal daytime hours,” keeping in mind what that is based on the time zone of all members of the group.

Continuing The Conversation After It's Over

Grotts will never forget being added to a text chain of 19 others on New Year’s Eve, when her friend wished them all a happy new year from Las Vegas. 

“My phone did not stop beeping all night,” she recalls. 

No need to reply—even with a thumbs up or heart reaction—unless you have something to add to move the conversation forward. If desired, you can reply to that person individually to wish them the same…and discreetly see your way out.

“Every story has a beginning and an end, but sometimes the conversation can be endless. Know your limits,” Grotts says.

Making A Scene Out Of Leaving The Chat

If you’ve been added to a group text chain that you’d rather not be part of—or you enjoyed it at first and find you simply can’t keep up—no need to make it emotional or draft a long public statement. 

“Bow out gracefully,” Grotts suggests. 

It’s perfectly okay to text or have an in-person conversation with the host and request that they start a new chain without you. Or if your phone technology allows it, you can exit the chat and privately text the host with a short yet kind note saying that it is most definitely not personal, but you prefer one-on-one text conversations.

The Bottom Line

With the inherent etiquette issues that arise with many forms of technology, plus the fact that many people (with different personalities, communication styles, and preferences) are involved, group texts are minefields for controversy. That being said, they can also be a very convenient way to stay in touch with your fellow reality TV lovers, your book club, or family who lives far away.

Before you send any messages as part of, or the host of, a group text, Grotts shares these wise words of advice: “stick to people you know, post things meant for everyone, watch time zones, mute your device, and stay on subject.”